Why I hate the saying "we're in the same boat"!

From my limited knowledge, the saying "to be in the same boat" means to be in the same difficult situation as someone else. People often use this to comfort themselves or others who are struggling to cope with the same situation. Now I am okay with it when people use that for themselves. On many occasions, I think about others who have faced similar problems and sometimes worse to help me get through difficult times myself. But I have experienced when people have used this on others, where 99% of the time it's not accurate or the right thing to say to that person. Unless we are literally in the same boat, no two people's experience of a situation is the same. This is because so many factors determine how one act, react, feel towards a particular situation. Not everyone has the same mental strength. Some people have had very traumatic experiences and some deep-rooted fears. So really, no two people can ever be in the same boat.

For example, when my grandma passed away in 2018, how my 3 sisters and I were feeling wasn't the same, let alone how my mum and her siblings felt and responded to her demise. One of my sisters spent one and half months by her bedside weeks before she died. One of my other sisters visited her a few years ago, but she was born and raised here. Hence, her face-to-face memories or the love she felt from grandma for most of her childhood is different to the rest of us. Although, on the other hand, I was her eldest grandchild from her eldest daughter (we have a special connection - of course, the same goes for all my sisters with her), I hadn't seen her in nearly a decade. Every year, I would say I would come ammamma this summer. But I never did. So guess how I reacted when I heard the news that she was going to pass away? I had an uncontrollable laugh… I couldn't stop. I was in shock. Of course, no one told me that we were in the same boat or anything on that occasion. But I wanted to use this to highlight that, actually, no one can ever be.

So when someone is feeling vulnerable or anxious or worried or upset about a situation, sometimes the last thing they want to hear from their listener is "we're in the same boat". For one, it deeply dismisses that persons' feeling (though I know this is often done unconsciously by the listener). If they suffer from anxiety, you should be reassuring. You should never dismiss their worry like that. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I personally would think twice before opening up to that kind of listener again.

I've seen an increase in the use of this saying over the last two years due to the pandemic, people saying we're all in the same boat. I am going to share another story. Just as the pandemic started, I suddenly feared for my parents. For the past 5 years, I have been living with them and have become deeply attached to my mother emotionally. Given that we lost grandma just a year before, that meant it was very difficult for me to process. I was worried a lot for them, and it increased my anxiety. I started having physical symptoms like stomach-ache and migraine at work. I, of course, initially didn't share this with anyone. Still, one of my colleagues found me with my hands touching my forehead in distress. When I told him that I was feeling abet anxious about this and worried about my parents (nothing more, just this one line), his response was, "we're all in the same boat". I hated that phrase from that moment, and I really regretted telling him how I felt. It made me think, really, is that even possible. Yes, the pandemic is something we are facing as humanity. But there are homeless people, people who live by themselves, people with the fear of losing jobs, our front-line workers. Okay, for argument's sake, let's say yes, that colleague and I are in the same position, similar age, but we're different. Our values are different, our mental and emotional capacity is different, and our relationship with our own family is different. I am trying to convey that using that phrase dismissed how I was feeling and didn't help me, and I can't see how it can help comfort anyone. I am also conscious and aware that the listener could also be going through their own thing.

So, what can you say if someone shares how they feel about a situation that you can maybe relate to or if you think that "well, everyone including me got one problem or the other"? I am not qualified in any branches of psychology, but what helps me and has helped the people around me is number 1 to listen to understand fully and not to reply or give solutions (solutions can be talked through but only after you listen to understand). If a response is appropriate, something along on this line of, "I am here for you, and we will get through this", or even help them break it down for themselves to realise what's controllable and rationale thought process. This is more impactful than "we're in the same boat."

Yours truly,

Sangu

PS: Of course, I am only sharing my view on this based on my knowledge and experience. As always, I will continue to mould my thoughts and grow with new knowledge and experience. Share with me your thoughts on this.